The Lesser of Nine Evils

By GAVAL


(Along a scenic highway on the west coast moves a scene unlike any other on earth. Charging southward in a caravan of makeshift automobiles, vans, hotrods, and a flying machine or two, the vehicles move at a moderate pace for one of the most famous places in the world: Hollywood. Amist the occasional flying woman-dragon and would-be angels circling the caravan overhead, the vehicles push onward following a Winnabego. It is maddening, it is amazing, it is unbelievable chaos. It is CWAL. )

(Inside the Winnabego, Iolaus sits at a table in the kitchenette section of the recreational vehicle eyeing the group [Commander Snuggles, Jolt, Talruum, Supernook, Pez, Dragoneyes] which sits around him is entertaining itself while looking extremely annoyed at being dragged away from home with no explanation.)

Iolaus: I suppose I asked you all to join me in the Winnie because I sort of consider you people to be my generals in our "righteous cause."(says Iolaus marking imaginary quotes with two peace signs)

Commander Snuggles: (as he wriggles his nose)What's this all about, anyway? We're miles from that damn caffeine safe of yours, and you've got most of CWAL in seizures.

Talruun: Yes. We should turn back immediatly before caffeine deprivation send us all into utter chaos.

Pez:(reaching) I'll hold that key of yours till we get there...

Io: NOT so fast. Just hear me out....I think you're gonna like this....

(As Dragoneyes rolls her namesake peepers, we shift our focus to the television in the back of the Winnabego where Lothos is channel surfing. The screen goes to static and then clears up to reveal a gameshow logo....)

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Announcer: Evil Hollywood Squares was payed for in part by the following sponsors....

Scott's Evil Petting Zoo! Where "if you leave with all four limbs, we'll give you your money back!"

Wrigley's Evil Chewing Gum now available in "putrid", "vile", "despondent", and "wretched" flavors.

...and Planet Evil restaurants, "Making Planet Hollywood look bad!"

(Bad music plays as we see a crowd shot with almost all of the 60 or so CWALers in the audience of a large TV studio)

Announcer: It's Evil Hollywood Squares! The show where evil is punishable by brutal slayings, and only the lesser of nine evils stands a chance to walk away! And now, here's your host..BooooooooOOOOOOB Alpaca!!!!

(A Blue drooling llama in a cardigan enters the stage and bows before heading for a podium and microphone.)

(Audience of CWALers sort of claps half-heartedly)

(Fjorxce yelps out a blood curdling scream and runs out of the studio. The sound of a breaking window is heard.)

Bob: Thank you, thank you, you psychotic little buggers! It's once again time to weed out the bad, and give evil a second chance at straightening up their act! Let's meet today's contestant!(drop of drool falls to the podium)

Announcer: In square one, it's Doctor Evil!

(Dr. Evil pulls his ringed pinkie to his evil grin and looks overly pleased with himself)

Announcer: In square two, it's Darth Vader!

(DV breathes.)

Announcer: Manning Square three, it's Marilyn Manson!

Manson: What do you think of my new breasts?

Annoucer: ...(composes himself) In square four, it's the CEO of Blizzard Entertainment!

(CEO plays Brood War on a pocket PC that could have been released 3 years ago...he occasionally chuckles wickedly to himself)

Announcer: In the middle square, it's Kahn Noonian Sung!

Kahn:(sultry spanish accent.) For hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee, inferior genetic waste pits!(spits)

Announcer: In square six, you guessed it, folks! It's Satan!

Satan: Tell me what you want...what you really...REALLY want?

Annoucer: Filling out square seven, Sepheroth, demonic lord of undead legions!

Sephroth: DID YOU JUST MISPRONOUNCE MY NAME?!?!?!(Announcer's head explodes)

Backup Announcer(wiping Announcers blood off her lapel): In square eight, it's Vlad, the Impaler, Dracule!

Vlad:(gawking at Announcer's blood) Are you go-ink to drink that?

Backup Announcer: And in square number nine, please welcome Adolph Hitler!

(Hitler looks really confused)

Bob: WOW! Where DID we get all of this bloody eival! Well, you know `ow the rules go, lads! Our contestant will not be able to see any of you. He'll ask you all questions and single you out based on your total eivalness. The lesser of the noyne eivals gets a chance at redemption in a foyt to the finish with our contestant himself! Let's meet that contestant now, shall we?!(drools on podium)

Announcer: Well, Bob! He's good, he's cajun, he really hates evil, he's GAVAL the vampire slayer!

(Applause sign lights up again as CWALers moan and grumble over their half-hearted clapping)

Noid to Enigma: How'd he get to be on this show?

Enigma: I don't know much about that...I'm just a simple weapon, created by Blizzard to combat Microsoft...I'm just happy to be here.

Noid: Dude, what the hell are you talking about?!?

(GAVAL enters the stage and takes his place behind the contestants podium)

Bob:Well, GAVAL, tell us about yourself!

(Gaval's eyes begin to glow a cobalt blue as he crouches over seemingly in pain. The Rush has taken him.)

GAVAL: AAHHHHHH!!!! ARRGGGHHHH!!!!!

Bob: Well, that's great! What part of the country are you from, Gav?

GAVAL: AAAHHH!!!! EVAAAAAAHHHLLLL!!!!!! EEEVAAAAAAAAAALLLL!!!!

Bob: Hey, I have cousins in Los Angeles! What a small world! Well, then...shall we begin!?

(Gaval begins to relax a little as the Rush has completely set in)

GAVAL: Uh...yeah...I'm ready, Bob.

Th Ghost of Sofielisk in audience: I'm bored...has anyone got a ball of yarn?

Keeper: Here, use this....(he slinks his neck out in front of Sofie's paw claws.

Jasmilisk: OH, JOY!!!!!(paws at the slinky neck)

Bob: I believe you've prepared a few questions?

GAVAL: Sure have Bob! Let's start with square number one!

(Dr. Evil looks startled and glances around the room innocently while stroking Mr. Bigglesworth)

GAVAL: Mr. Evil...if you were to do something really heinous to your arch nemesis, what would it be?

Dr. Evil: Well, Mr. Gaval, I'll first start by telling you to call me DOCTOR Evil, thank you very much! I didn't go to friggin' evil medical school for six years to be called "Mr. Evil!"

GAVAL: Oh...sorry....

Dr. Evil. Now...what I would do is hang my nemesis on an unnecessarily slow dipping mechanism suspended over a pool filled with maneating sharks each of whom have laser beams attacked to their snouts.(pulls ringed pinkie to his evil grin and looks extremely pleased with himself)

GAVAL: AHH! EVAAALLL!!!

Evil squares: OOOOohhhhhhh!!!!!

Kazz to Debris in audience: That's nothing! He didn't even MENTION a chainsaw in his torture!

Debris: Or a chair....

GAVAL: How about you, Dark Lord Vader?

Darth Vader: Well, lesser creature of goodness... first I would really freak my nemesis out by telling him I was his father, just to get his reaction...THEN I would duel with him poorly to give him a false sense of security, just as I chop off his hand! And as he clings to a weather vane with his good hand, I'd tell him that he wouldn't recognized his mother when he got home because I shaved her back!

CWALers: OOOhhhhh!!!!!!!

Supernook from audience: What's the big deal about a hairy back?

GAVAL: Mr. Manson, what heinous and unscrupulous act would you perform on your worst enemy?

Marilyn Manson:(in a low, almost whispering voice) Have you heard my latest release?

GAVAL:(winces) Yeah...and?

Manson:(grinning maniacly) I'd make them listen to it.

First row of CWALers: YOU FIEND!

Third row of CWALers: NOOOO!!!!

Fifth row of CWALers: EVAAAALLLL!!!!!

GAVAL: AHHH!!! EVAAAAHHHHLLLLL!!!!!!

Dark Chrono:: Such HERECY!!!!
(As he gets up and extends his psi blades Iolaus and Supernook grab him and restrain his arms from each a side)

Io: Easy; DC. Remember why we're here!

Supernook: Yes, Manson's day will come later...
(DC reluctantly sits down and slowly retracts his blades)

Dark Chrono: I will make him PAY for what he's doing to our perfectly good hearing mechanisms...


GAVAL: And you, Mr. CEO?

CEO: Ah, yes! Well, then. If I really wanted to torture any unfortunate soul who had earned himself the title of my arch nemesis...I'd simply HIRE him! BWAAAhahahAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

------

PatN from backstage: *gasp* The Horror!

HP from backstage: Get ahold of yourself. At least we have honest jobs!

Lab Coat Guy from backstage: What are you talking about?!? He makes us pay HIM to stay alive!

------

GAVAL: And you, evil person number in square number Five?

Kahn:(staring blankly into infinity as he talks to himself) It is only my superior intellect that has allowed us to survive...

GAVAL: Um...Mr Kahn?

Kahn: I'll chase him round the moons of Nubia and round Antares Maelstrom and round Perdition's flame before I give him up!

Maelstrom: Uh...did he just threaten me?

Tybalt: Of course not! Clearly zis pig-dog genetic mishap ees ‘ow do you say? "Off ees rocker?" ‘e ‘as lost ‘is mind due to uncontrolled arrogance and lust for revenge! I sink ‘e would make quite the noble frenchman, non?

Bob: Well, it seems Mr. Kahn is unable to provide an answer for us, so we'll have to move on...

Kahn: He tasks me! Don't you see it, he tasks me!Admiral, you are in no position to bargain! Tatoo! Get me the mind-controlling wife-killing worm thingies!

GAVAL: Well, then...Satan...where do you stand on untimate revenge?

Satan: "I've given you everything, all the joy you bring, this I swear."

CWALers: ARRGHHH!!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!

Dragoneyes: He's using girl power!

Appirition of Sofielisk: Dear god, no!!!! Not again!!!

GAVAL: I'm sorry, I don't quite understand...

Satan: "Set your spirit free, it's the only way to be."

CWALers: AAHHHHHH!!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!

Ni: I can't take it anymore! NIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!(BOOOMMMM!!!)

Jolt: Gross! I've got Ni all over me!

(GAVAL confusingly shakes his head and moves on. He starts as he realizes he will directly be addressing the Master vampire himself)

GAVAL: Mr Dracule....what would-----
------
(As GAVAL continues to question Vlad, Iolaus speaks into his collar from the audience)

Io: Team Alpha, you have the green light. Team Mu on standby.

Mu: I might note what an honor it is to bear the designation of said latter party involved in today's covert excercises, sir...

(Io looks at Mu for a second and speaks into his collar again)

Io: Team Mu, from now on, you're to be called team Beta.
-----
Vlad Dracule: Vell, Mr. Slayer. I vould begin by seducing my rival into a sultry night of delicacies from around the world, thus inducing a state of appreciation and awe at my charm and graciousness. Then I vould—
-----
(As Dracule rambles on about how evil he is, the members of Team Alpha take action.
War2Guy is the first to proceed as he begins shifting in his seat them jumping to his feet and hobbling from one foot to the other with his hands grasping his lower abdominal area. He is shortly followed by Gunslinger and Glitterspike who perform the same odd little dance...then Jolt and Shriek do the same. Dragoneyes noticeably shakes her head and stares at the ground.)

Shriek: Come on, Dragoneyes! You know the plan!

Dragoneyes: There is no WAY I'm going to do that! Forget it!

Shriek: But the plan! This is our only chance to get him in public!

Io:(to collar from across audience area) Alpha 6! You have the green light, I repeat! GREEN LIGHT! Proceed with the diversionary ritual!
------
Vlad: Then I vould seductively suggest a back rub, ever eagerly holding back the urges to sink my canines into the soft fleshy jugular of my doomed victim...

(GAVAL rolls his eyes and tightens his hands around the crucifix in his jacket pocket)
------

(Dragoneyes angrily tears the tiny earpiece out of her ear from behind her hair as vapors steam from her nostrols.)

Dragoneyes: Okay, for christs sake, just get off my back!

(Slowly she rises amongst her peers and begins the ritual.

In the history of our country one age old tradition has stood proud as the common means of communication amongst 3-year-olds as mother nature decided to make herself known. Now, in a crowded Los Angeles studio history was repeating itself once again as Dragoneyes amongst 5 of her other covert operatives was performing....the "Pee Pee Dance.")

------
Vlad:...A slow valtz to violin music, writhing errotically to the tempo...

(Bob drools on the podium as his bead begins to bob(pun not intended) slowly up and down from a charm induced vampiric sleep)
------

Studio Security Guard: Excuse me, ma'am...is there something I can help you with?

Dragoneyes(hobbling from foot to foot): LOOK, pal. There are at least 5 other people here doing what I'm doing. Ask THEM if they need help!

SSG(To Shriek): What seems to be the problem?

Shriek: Isn't it obvious, sir? We need to tinkle!

Glitterspike: I, uh, knew we should have gone before the show! Heh,heh!...

SSG: Well, it's not policy to move about the studio until a commercial break comes around...but for such a hot looking redhead I suppose I could...

DE: WHA-?

GunSlinger: What she means to say, sir, is that we'd be much obliged if you could let us use yer latrines before we wet our....PANTS!

(Jolt steps in front of Dragoneyes hiding the flames of frustration leaping from her nostrils as they slowly singe his back while Gunslinger distracts the guard.)

SSG: Sure thing...around the corner near the water fountain...just don't come back in ‘till the commercial.

Glitterspike: Thanks, Mr. Chief Security Person!

(As they exit the studio through double doors at the top of the audience section Jolt passes out)

Jolt: medic....
-----
Vlad: Finally sinking my venomous fangs into the sweet, creamy midsection of my rival, draining every last red blood cell from her body!

Bob: ZZZZzzzzzzzz...zz.zz.....zz...oh...Oh...uh! WELL, sir, that certainly was EIVAL wasn't it, everone?!

CWALers: ...

Bob: And now, contestant number eight!

GAVAL: How about you, Mr. Demonically-possessed minion of undead chaotic despondency?

Sephroth: I resent that remark! To call me chaotic would suggest a lack of diabolism! I am clearly diabolically evil, damn you!

GAVAL: ...

Sephroth: If I were to wreak revenge upon my rivals, the choice of torture would be clear. I would take a tape measure, stick the hooked end up my foe's ass, pull out a nerve, pour tobasco sauce over it, and shove it back up. Then I'd nail one of his appendages to an ant infested tree, light it afire, and hand him a butter knife. (Smug look)

GAVAL: EEEEE VVVVV AAAAA HHHH LLLL!!!!!!!!!!!

CWAL Audience: OOOOhhhhhh!!!!!!

Kazz: I'd have handed him a chainsaw.

Manaknight: What the hell's a tape measure, anyway?

Smoke: Ow...my ass...must not think about it....

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War2Guy: How is he?

Dragoneyes: Well, I'm no doctor, but I'd say he'll probably live...

Jolt:(To DE) Mamma, is that you?

Shriek:(Jealously) HEY!!!!

War2Guy: Get up, Jolt, before that security guy comes back.

(They lift Jolt up and start moving down the hall and around to the back of the studio)

DE:(To Glitterspike and Gunslinger) Alright you two...do your magic.

(She gestures over to the number pad on the door lock. The door is labeled "This is not the backstage entrance. There's nothing to see back here."
As Glitterspike pulls an electronic device from his backpack, Gunslinger starts to unscrew the panel on the keypad.....huh...huh,huh..."screw")

Shriek: I don't get it?

(You're not supposed to. That was narration.)

Shriek: Oh. My bad.

(Don't mention it.)

Jolt: Who are you talking to?

Shriek: The "screw" guy.

Gunslinger: Hey, there's more to me than a lousy phillips, dammit!

Shriek: I wasn't talking about you! Nevermind!

(Glitterspike attaches the electronic device to a couple of wires and pops in a pair of C cell batteries. The red LED on the device begins to randomly attempt all possible numeric sequences for door passkey entry.)
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(Back In Studio)

Hitler: Donska siscom scaredem doogen hauser! Icht bin acht zen shlouser moogle dreiss!

Moogle: Did he just insult me? I think he just insulted me!

Krath: Yes...I think he said your mother's banana custard tastes like rusty copper chains.

GAVAL: Can we get that translated? I think it might have been pretty evil.

Bob: You can count on it! We'll be back for the first round eliminations royt aftuh this!

Floor Director: Roll commercial! Back in 2:30!

(House Speakers blare some lousy commercial about the new improved Chia Hanson. Iolaus speaks into his collar once again.)

Io: Team Alpha, report?

Dragoneyes:(in Io's earpiece) -v^-We're in...the entrance is to the right down the hall...just follow Jolt's lesion puss trail.-v^-

Io: What?!

Dragoneyes:-v^-It's not important. You can deploy Team Mu.-V^-

Io: Beta.

Dragoneyes:-v^-Whatever. Proceeding to objective one. Alpha out.-v^-

Io: Team Beta, greenlight, I repeat, greenlight.

(Upon hearing the message, Supernook gets up and starts to feign vomiting.)

Supernook: Oh geez...must be jetlag...or the complimentary nachos you people served us....

Studio Security Guard: It can't be jetlag, you people only had to drive 3 hours! Who else here had the nachos?

Enigma: OOOOOOhhhhh...my pancreas!

Maggot: Oh....my spleen!

Mr. Phule: ARGH! If I puke on these Dockers, you'll rue the day, you two bit rent-a-cop!

Tokyo Ai Ko: OOOhhh...aaaaack!(he overdramaticly staggers out of his seat and into the aisle with his wrist to his forehead.) Must...have...anti-acid! Must....coat...sooth...relieve....

Studio Guard: Man! You people are nothing but trouble! Come on, then...first aid is this way...

Floor Director: Back in one minute, people, one minute!

(The Speakers blare a commercial advertising the Hair Club for Skinheads)

------

Bob: How do I look? Is my blush holding up? MAKEUP! MAAAAKEEEUUPPPP!!!!

Makeup Girl: Okay, Okay! You look fine!....except for just a little drool here...(she dabs his chin with a sponge)...and...you have a little something on your chin there...

Bob: That's my beard, you harlot! You're fired! GET OUT!

SD: 5, 4...

Bob: GET OUT OF MY STUDIO! YOUR CAREER IS OVER!

SD: ..3, 2,...

Bob: YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN! YOUR ASS IS MINE, DO YOU HEAR ME! YOUR ASS----(Bob stares blankly into the camera as a drop of drool lands on the podium and makes a little "plip" sound.)

-------

(A backstage green room. There is an opened first aid kit on the wall.)

SSG: HEY, HEY, take it EASY on that stuff!

(Maggot is downing his third bottle of Pepto Bismol)

Maggot: Heh...this stuff rocks!

Supernook:Hey, Mr. Guard, did I ever tell you about the time I wrestled a schizophrenic Walrus in 28 degree waters?

SSG: What the hell are you talking about?!

(From behind the guard Mr. Phule slowly and stealthily removes his Dockers and wraps them around his wrists, keeping the legs taught between his hands for strangulation...)

Supernook: Yeah! Uh...see, this walrus thought he was Santa Clause, and um...he kept jumping out of the ice and delivering old chewed up fish to my cousin Unka Nook's kids...

(Supernook notices for the first time Phule's boxer shorts. They have images of tiny little Alters, Auras, and Dragoneyes in tutu's doing pirouettes. Unable to contain himself, Nook snickers a bit. Noticing immediatly what Supernook is laughing at, Enigma bursts into a fit if hysterical laughter)

SSG: What's so funny about some damned walrus? You people are damned perculiar...

Supernook: Yes, well, the walrus was really quite a sight to see....he...wore a pink tutu...

(TAK and Maggot lost control at this point and break into laughter as well. Finally, Phule siezes the moment and catches the guard with his Pair-O-Docks under the chin. Unfortunately, the guard had hours of superb training by the most elite of Studio Security Academys and was able to get his thumbs up under the Pair-O-Docks before they could constrict his larynx.)

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(In Studio)

GAVAL: Dr. Evil...for plotting unusually slow torturing devices and for admittedly attending 6 years of schooling in preparation for nothing more than wreaking havok on the good of the world, clearly an indication of premedatative evil, you are to be eliminated from round one.

Bob: MUUUHUHUHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!
(Bob pushes a slimy, drooled on button labeled "Dr. Evil" and a surprised bald villain and his equally balled cat plummet into an unseen chasm. Fire shortly erupts from the spot where Dr. Evil's chair was.)

GAVAL: YAAAY GOOD! GOOO GOOD!

(CWALers cheer at the public execution of one as evil as Dr. Evil.)

Aura: I have GOT to get one of those button boxes!

Arcturus: Careful, Aura, or you could wind up as a contestant on this show yourself!

Aura: Hmpf!

GAVAL: And for our second elimination....

Dr. Evil: Wait! I'm not dead yet! ...(Everyone stares at the trap door under Dr. Evil's Hollywood Square) This really burns!....could someone get me a medic? Some morphine perhaps?....I can't feel my fingertips....

Bob: Stop tape, STOP TAPE! Would someone kill the damn villain please! Honestly, you can't get good trap doors these days....all I ask for is a friggin' red button that activates a friggin' trap door with fire under it!(he pulls a pistol out from his blue cardigan and unloads a round into the hole.)

Bob: ROLL TAPE! Please continue, Mr. GAVAL...

Dr. Evil: Ohh....my gall bladder...you shot my friggin' gall bladder....I could really use an aspirin or something....

(Bob unloads five more rounds into the hole.)

------

(Backstage, just off the right side of the stage)

Dragoneyes: There they are...the bastards...

War2Guy: Shouldn't be a problem...we outnumber em and outclass em.

(There, standing just off stage behind a curtain, is the CEO's entourage...the Blizzard Head Programmer, a guy in a black trenchcoat, Some Lab Coat Guy, PatN, ScottM, and G Frasier(Shlongar). They watch the giant Llama in a blue cardigan known as Bob unload his pistol into a hole on the set as they rub their hands evilly enjoying the display of human suffering. )

Shriek: What do we do now?

Jolt: We wait for Iolaus to signal Chrono's attack, then we jump the Blizzard guys.

Gunslinger: With any luck, we'll nail all the Blizzard CEO and his vile minions in one pop.

Glitterspike: Yeah...see that briefcase the HP has cuffed to his wrist?

Shriek: You mean the Star Wars Lunch box?

Glitterspike: No, his other wrist....

Shriek: Oh, yeah...the one that says " Untampered Brood Wars CD ROMS." What about it?

(Team Alpha stares at Shriek blankly)

Dragoneyes: Just wait for the signal, alright? Who's the guy in black?

War2Guy: I don't know...must be the new kid on the block at Blizzard. Bad hair.

(Team Alpha nods)

------

(The Green Room)

(Mr. Phule in his boxer shorts is on the Stage Security Guard's back pulling at his Pair-A-Docks with all his might as Supernook jabs at the guard repeatedly with his harpoon. Maggot slurps down another Pepto while Enigma and TAK tug at the SSG's legs to hold him still. Suddenly they rip his legs off. Team Beta gasps in horror at what they've done.)

Supernook: Geezus, people, you weren't supposed to kill him! Just subdue him!

SSG: HA! Do you think that a little dismemberment will stop me?! Tis but a flesh wou—*

Enigma:(leans over the body for a second, then gets up.) He's dead Jim...I mean, Nook.

TAK: What'll we do now?! There's a legless corpse bleeding all over the Green Room!!!

Maggot: *burp*Do you think anyone would notice if we just swept him under the rug?

Mr. Phule(stepping back into his Pair-O-Docks) Yes, as a matter of fact, I do....we need to administer some first aid....hand me that leg...

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(The Studio)

GAVAL: ....Marilyn Manson. For both ruining our ears and for making us bear witness to some of the most grossly disturbing images of this decade, you are to be eliminated as well.

Manson: WHAT?! I'm not evil! I'm just trying to make a buck!

(Bob pushes a slimy drooled on, yet beautiful, shiny, candy-like button)
(Manson Drops into the pit and fire leaps out from the trap door hole)

GAVAL: Pretending to be the antichrist is evil. Even if you're only doing it for prophet.

Ravil: That's what he gets for wearing contact lenses that don't match!

Poeir: *gasp* I never noticed! YOU BASTARD, MANSON!

Manson:*sizzle*

Bob: Well, that leaves 3 more eliminations for round one! Who could be next?!*drip*

(The remaining dark ones in their respective squares begin to look nervous as they glance at each other and around, looking for a means of escape.)

GAVAL: KAHN! For wearing a fake rubber chest almost as repulsive as Manson's!

Kahn: Admiral?! Time...is a luxury...I cannot afford.

Bob: You got that royt!*button*

(Flames, screaming, yadda-yadda)

(Suddenly time seems to stand still)

GAVAL: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MISTER!!!!

(...)

GAVAL: Just what the hell do you think you're doing?!?!

(...)

GAVAL: DON'T IGNORE ME!!! I'm talking to you!

(w.....what are you ...doing?)

GAVAL: I want to know what the hell you just did?

(Uh...this is...not right...)

GAVAL: Screw not right! You just wussed out of writing a perfectly interesting evil character a good death.

(It's 1:04am. I've been working on this for days. I haven't slept more than 5 hours or so in the last 2 nights because of work. And now I'm TALKING to myself! Or is it writing to myself? No, wait, Gaval's not me, he's my character... Can't I forgo one lousy complicated death! It's freaking Kahn for god's sake!)

GAVAL: YOU know damn well that's not what CWAL is all about! You spend all this time putting together this great story just to bow out of a death scene because your TIRED?!?!? Look at where it's gotten you! In the last 10 lines you could have easily killed off Kahn creatively and then gone on to the next square elimination! You ought to be ASHAMED of yourself!

(I guess you have a point. Slayer wisdom triumphs once again?)

GAVAL: Naturally! Now go to bed. Get some sleep. And don't open this file again until you come up with a suitable, entertaining, and humorous death for Kahn. The CWAL universe isn't going ANYWHERE. I'll keep things held up here till you get back.

(Thanks Gav. *rubs eyes* )--------signing off, November 25th, 1:14am.

------

November 28th, 2:01am.

(Feelin' better...)

GAVAL: Dude, it's later than it was last time...

(Yeah, but with Thanksgiving and all, my sleep pattern's changed. Let's write some hard core kick ass CWAL stuff!)

(Bob pushes the beautiful, shiny, candy-like drooled-on button. As he does so, Kahn, realizing his peril, utilizes his superior genetically enhanced reflexes to dive out of his evil Hollywood square and onto the stage. As he crouches like a predatory cat, sizing up his situation, Bob calls for security and demands the camera's stop rolling tape.)

Kahn: Damn you...DAMN you! I'm not evil! I just want revenge....they say revenge is a dish best served cold...it is very cold...in space...is it not?

(6 studio guards approach, each with a cattle prod. They surround Kahn and slowly move towards him.)

Fron: YES! KICK ASS!(He jumps out of the audience and wields his own prod)

Guard Leader: What are you doing, sir?! Get back in the audience! This is a dangerous situation!

Fron: Screw you, plebeian!

GAVAL: EVAAAAALLLL!!!!

Kahn:( looks up at GAVAL) Admiral! TIME is a luxury...you do not HAVE!

GAVAL: Admi-what?!?! What the hell's this guy's problem!?

(Kahn grabs one of the cattle prods with lightning-fast reflexes and knocks the guard out with it. He heads for GAVAL with it, but Fron gets in his way.)

Fron: Not so fast! Eat electrons, Cuban Pete!(Stabs at Kahn.)

(The genetic super-being takes the full shock of Fron's prod and shakes it off immediatly. As the other guards close in, he seems even more focused on his goals, eyeing GAVAL sullenly.)

Fron: What the hell?! (Wields .44) Okay pal, playtime's over....put it down! SO COMMANDS EMPEROR FRON!

Kahn: Emperor? On earth I was a KING!

Fron: And now, you're just a moving target for my trusty—

(Kahn kicks the gun out of Fron's hand)

Fron:(looking at his hand)—ring finger.....yipe.

(Kahn then begins to soundly beat the living crap out of the remaining 5 stage guards.)

Pez: This guy kicks ass! Evil running amok! EVIL!

GAVAL: EVAAAALLLL!!!!

(As Kahn pushes Fron aside and heads for GAVAL, the slayer wields his trusty whip and jumps down onto the stage for a showdown.)

Kahn: Admiral...you've finally decided to stop running!!!!

GAVAL: I'm not even going to try to reason with you. You're evil, AND your mad, and those are two evils that don't make a right....let's dance....

(Kahn leaps at GAVAL with his stolen prod, over the bodies of the guards and towards the slayer who stands before him. GAVAL's only reaction is to dodge out of the way. He tries to wrap the whip around Kahn's arm, but in doing so, only dooms himself to becoming a human fishing pole. Kahn pulls on the whip and swings GAVAL around the studio.)

GAVAL: EeeeEEEEeeeeEEEeeeVVVVvvvvAAAAaaaaaaAAAAaaaaLLLLlllLLLL!!!!

Prysym: The lad's just not any good against the livin'!

*Blam*

(Bob blows the smoke off the barral of Fron's .44)

Bob: I believe we have a GAMESHOW to broadcast!!!!(drip)

(Kahn's body falls to the floor as GAVAL climbs down from the lighting grid on the studio ceiling.)

GAVAL: (To narrator)Much better! Now THAT's a death worthy of Kahn. (Get's back into his position.)

(Thanks...)

Bob: Yeah, thanks!

------

(The Green Room)

Supernook: Now, tell me once again what you're going to do with those wires?

(Mr. Phule holds a pair of wires in his hands that extend from a flourescent light fixture on the ceiling to the couch where the dead security guard lies, legs missing.)

Phule: I'm going to recessitate him. All it takes is the proper voltage from the brain or any other electrical source.

TAK: But what about this pool of blood we're standing in? Shouldn't it be...I dunno...IN the body?

Phule: Details, DETAILS! Don't bore me with details!

Enigma: Just give me time to take cover, here!

(Maggot opens an umbrella) "Got my cover!"

(Phule touches the wires to the SSG's ears and a bright flash occurs.)

------

(Backstage. Team Alpha starts and looks up as the lights dim for a second and then return to their normal illumination.)

Jolt: What was that?!

Gunslinger: Oh, power surges like that happen all the time in TV studios...

Shriek: Do they always come accompanied by the sounds of someone going through 1000 unheard of agonies?

(The group listens for a second as the screaming apexes, then dies off.)

Glitterspike: Uh....yeah...all the time!...heh....

Dragoneyes: I just hope Team Beta keeps that security chief occupied. We don't want to attract any unnecessary attention.

(The 2 dragons, burn victim, pilot, computer wiz, and engineer all watch the Blizzard HP and his henchmen carefully as the game show continues. A janitor passes by sweeping up backstage and thinks to himself, "Man, the people down in costume are getting better every day!")

------

(Studio)

GAVAL: (waits for the lights to steady themselves, then on the floor director's cue resumes the first round eliminations) Adolph Hitler!

Hitler: NR.! Dieses ist ein Verbrechen! Ich verlange, daß Sie minderwertige Landarbeiter unten beugten und bete mich an!

Bob: What's that you say?! You're feelin' a bit chilled, are ya?! How's about a little pick-me up, eh?

Hitler: NEEEEEIIIIIINNNNNN!!!

Sephroth: MuuuhohohohohAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

(As Hitler falls to a fiery demise GAVAL stares coldly at Sephroth, as if they had met before...perhaps in another reality...Sephroth just sneers, knowing full well that he has survived round one of Evil Hollywood Squares.)

(From the smoky sulphurous pit that was Hitler's seat, jumps a brain with a swastica-shaped metal plate on it. The brain jumps off-stage making disgusting splatting noises as it escapes into the studio.)

Talruum: HEY!! How the hell can a brain-------nevermind.

Bob: Now, it's time for round 2 of Evil Hollywood Squares! Mr. GAVAL, the next question please!!!(drip)

(Before GAVAL can answer a buzzer goes off)

Bob: Oh, oh! You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen!!!

(The CWALers just stare blankly at one another.)

(Pez looks at Lothos sarcasticly) Well? What's the buzzer mean?

Lothos: Like I watch this crap regularly!

Snapper: Yeah, you just watch other crap regularly.

Bob: That's right! Sudden Death for eival!!!

CWALers:OOOhhhhhh!!!!

Bob: You know how it works! Gav asks the question, and each of the surviving wretches must answer them in 20 seconds or less! Contestant! The question!

GAVAL: Okay...um...(shuffles through cards). Evil people...what's the most wretched thing you've ever done?

Bob: Square#2, Darth Vader!

Darth Vader: Well, once on a mission on the Outer Rim, we were on this planet with little atmosphere. My scouting partner, a Stormtrooper, lost his life support gear, so he had to share one with me. He annoyed me. He was weak with the force, so I released a Dark Force powered flatulence to silence him for the remainder of our mission.

GAVAL: NOOOO!!!

CWALers: EVAAAAAAAALLLL!!!!!

Grorx: Dear GOD, the humanity!

GAVAL: There is no hope for this monstrosity! Eliminate him from round 2!

(Darth Vader floats mysticly as the trap door under him opens.)

DV: The force is weak with this one.....(he floats gently offstage. No one makes a move for fear of being exposed to Dark Jedi methane.)

Bob:(drip) Square number 4, CEO...

CEO: Well...you know those little soaps and shampoos that come with hotel rooms?

GAVAL: Uh-huh?

CEO: I once took one....

GAVAL: That's it? That's the most evil thing you think you've ever done?

CEO: Well! My mumee always said to keep myself clean and fresh, and I didn't have time to—

Bob: NEXT! Square number six, Satan.

Satan: MuuuhooohoooHOOHAWHAWHAAAAA!!!

GAVAL: What's so funny, your Prince of Darkness-ship What's the most evil thing you've ever done?

Satan: Well...who do you think gave Barry Manalowe, Hanson, and Barney their first music lessons? BWAAAAAhAhahahAHAHAHAHAAAA!

CEO: MwaAAAAhahahAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Sephroth: haaaAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAHAAAHAAAA!!!!!!

------
(From the Studio concession stands, DarkLight and Duraznos are buying nachos and waters for everyone. DL watches the show from a monitor placed in the concession lobby.)

DarkLight: BWAAAhahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

(Duraznos looks at DL from his seat in the audience.)

Duraznos: Don't encourage them!!!!

DarkLight: But it's so.....diabolical! MWAAAhahahahahaaaaAAA!

Dorg: (looking up at the monitor as Satan sings few bars from "I write the songs") Dear god that's evil....

DarkLight: What are you doing here?

Dorg: The author wanted to use another guy who's name starts with "D" so I volunteered CARV's services. (Stands up proudly thrusting his chest out) Wherever there are lines to be said, CARV is there! Where ever there is money to be spent, CARV is up to the challenge, whereever----(slumps down in his chair)

Duraznos: What did you do to him?!

DarkLight: Sleeper dart. Shameless self advertising sucks much ass. Comeon, lets get these nachos back to the CWALers.

Duraznos: Wait up! You know how Iolaus is about not using the buddy system!

Dorg: ZZZzzzzzzzz......

(Strangely, as they head back for the studio, Lothos sneaks around the corner and heads up a spiral staircase behind the concession stand.)

------

(The Greenroom...which, consequently, looks more like the red room now.)

Supernook: Do you have any idea how pissed mother Nook will be when she sees all the blood you put on my PARKA?!?!?!

Mr. Phule: MEEE?!?!? How was I supposed to know that he would explode on contact with a lousy 240 volts of current?

(The room is covered in Studio Security Guard goo. Team Beta is equally adorned in crimson gore.)

Enigma: Better tell Io.....

Maggot: Damn...there's blood in my Pepto...let's get outta here. This room is below Maggotonian standards.

TAK: (speaks into his collar) Beta to Io, Beta to Io, come in.

Iolaus:--v^–This is Iolaus. Status report...is the Security Chief secured?–v^--

TAK: (Wipes pancreas off of his shoulder.) Most assuredly.

Iolaus: –v^– Good. Gaval's about to eliminate the last non-CEO evil contestant. I'm about to give Alpha the signal. Return to the studio...we may need backup. Io out.–v^--

(As they leave the room)

Enigma: HEY! Look! We're leaving bloody footprints, just like on Duke Nukem!

SuperNook: Dude...sick.

------

(Studio)

(GAVAL stares coldly at his nemesis in the number seven square. Vlad the Impaler stares back mockingly, knowing that there is nothing GAVAL can do to reveal his slayer heritage on public television.)

GAVAL: Well?

Vlad: The most wicked feat I have ever accomplished, eh? How does one go back through the ages and determine his most heinous feat in a 900 year history? There was the Genocidal Undead Frenzy of 1023, the Toenail-Pulling Spree of 1248, and who could forget the Puppy Kicking Contest at the 1454 Misery Festival? Oh, and me and my college buddies once raided a girls' dorm and put human fingers in their lipsticks cases! Hu-hu-haaaa! We were such kidders!

GAVAL: I've heard enough. You're outta here.

Bob: (Referring to a squad of men off stage holding various items of Holy Vengeance) Boys?

(The group proceeds to shoot oak arrows, dump Holy Water, and stuff extra garlicy spaghetti sauce into Dracule's mouth.)

Dracula: ....medic....mmfff....

GAVAL: Hey, not bad! You guys definitely have a future in undead reckonings. Sephroth, you're up. The most evil thing you've ever done?!

Sephroth: Tell your mom "Hi" for me when you get home, slayer.

GAVAL: What?

Sephroth: Yes....tell her "hello." Though you may not recognize her when you get home...you see, I shaved her back.*evil grin*

GAVAL: EVAAAHHLLLL!!!!(As Gaval lunges forward, Sephroth cackles inanely)
You sick bastard! Come here and take a beating like a good little demonically possessed jerkweed!(Two of the studio guards restrain Gaval, no longer under the influence of the Rush due to Vlad's demise).

Bob: Now, now! You know the rules, Gaval! You may only slay the final and least evil of our square occupants!

GAVAL: BUT HE'S EVIL! HE TOTALLY SUCKS ASS! EEE VVVV AAA HHH LLL!!!!

Bob: We deal our own brand of justice here!(pushes drooled on button labeled "Sephroth." As the wicked being falls into the flames below, Sephroth looks unusually calm and collected. He almost seems to float down into the trap door, rather than fall. The door closes behind him as a loud bell goes off).

(DING, DING, DING!)

Bob: WELL, that's the end of round two! And with only one contestant remaining, it appears the Lesser of Nine Evils is none other than the CEO of Blizzard Entertainment!

CWALers: BOOOOO!!!! HSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Iolaus:(Into collar) Now, go! Final places!

(A few CWALers rise and start moving down onto the studio non-chalantly. GAVAL cracks his knuckles in preparation for the duel ahead with the CEO, knowing that since he was the least evil of the contestants, that beating some good clean righteousness will occupy the rest of his evening. )

CEO: Now, now...you don't think I'll REALLY let this moron lay a finger on ME?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! .....(smigly yet firmly, the CEO lands the first blow on Gaval in the form of verbal attack...) Touch me and I'll sue. (evil grin)

GAVAL: I'm CWAL, you bastard! I'm above the law! WE ALL ARE!

Iolaus: GET ‘IM! GO, GO, GO!!!!!!

(In a mad rush, 60 or so CWALers jump onto the stage running straight for the CEO screaming various battle cries, like "SPOOON!", "FOR THE CAFFEINATED!", and "Yoooo Joe!"

Iolaus: Yo Joe?! An extra cup of Latee' for the one who brings me the "guy who said that's"ass on a tray!

(Mz is the first to reach center stage in a lightning quick dash where Gaval is swinging a bullwhip around his head and the CEO is trying to reach his lawyer on a cell phone. Chirping wildly in attempts to cast a Psi Storm in the direction of the CEO's henchmen, Mz quickly runs out of room and smashes into the thick of them.)

------

(Back stage, 20 seconds ago. The Minions of Blizzard Entertainment poise themselves, ready to attack, not realizing that Team Beta is right behind them, ready to prevent interference, should Blizzard make a move.)

HP: Did you see that?! They killed Sephroth! What the hell?!?

Figure in Black Trenchcoat: That's simply impossible...I know Sephroth's capabilities...there's no way he was erased that easily.

PatN:(pushing his hair out of his face) That means the CEO has to fight Gaval...time for us to interfear.

Figure in Black: You leave Gaval to me(He steps into the light to reveal his identity...it is LAVAG, recently employed by Sephroth as his first lieutenant in security matters)....take care of the CWALers if they interfear with your flensers and the warriors.

ScottM: I haven't seen a security guard in a while...this should be easy.

(As GAVAL screams, "I'm above the law!", dozens of CWALers rush onto the stage and begin to surround Gaval and the CEO. One particular little zergling(Mz) screaming, "D'oh!" and chirping wildly flies right over the CEO, and while looking back with a final, "D'OH!" smashes into the group of Blizzard Henchmen.)

Gfrazier(Shlongar): AHH! My Ass! You guys, seriously!

HP: I'll subdue this whelp! Blizzard employees! ATTACK!

"Oh, no you don't!"

(The HP slowly turns around to see a group of six CWALers posing as if on the cover of a comic book.)

Dragoneyes: Our friend Gaval has to finish this little game show! We wouldn't want you breaking the rules, now, would we?!

Jolt: Hey, HP....what ya got in the case, huh?

HP: Tuna on rye, why?

Glitterspike: The OTHER case, dammit!

HP: (Looks down at the briefcase labelled, "UNTAMPERED Brood War CD ROMS") Oh...um...would you believe desert?! Heheh.....

Gunslinger: GET EM!

(As the groups charge headlong into battle, LAVAG slips into the dark curtains and dissappears.)

------

(In a hallway outside the studio)

Maggot: DAMN! Sounds like all Maggottonia broke loose in there! This is gonna rock! (He wields a hand grenade the size of a wrecking ball.)

Supernook: Let's get in there before we miss any action!

(As Team Beta reaches the double doors which open into the studio, the doors swing open violently under the force of Krath's body flying through it.)

Krath:(as he gets up) Man, I need to go...save a flenser for me!(scampers off for the bathroom)

Mr. Phule: What the hell!? (Opens doors. As we follow him into the studio from behind along with the rest of Team Alpha, the opening doors reveal complete and utter chaos.)

(The studio has become a war zone. The CEO stands out in the crowd of hysteria that is battling on the stage. His arms raised in a "V" and laughing hysterically, the CEO beckons to at least a hundred of his minions....the mechanized monstrosities known as Flensers, a few dozen zerglings and the ambiguously dangerous warrior women some have come to know as "Secretaries." GAVAL is on the stage being warded away from the CEO with a can of hairspray, and some disturbance seems to be taking place just off stage.)

Tokyo Ai Ko: YES! LET'S GET EM!(Ignites a psi sabre)

Enigma: Uh....we're supposed to shoot the chicks and the robots, right?

(No one is there to answer, as Team Beta is now bursting onto the scene.)

------

(Studio Control Room)

(The staff of "Evil Hollywood Squares" pours out of the control room and runs home for fear of their lives)

Technical Director: Screw this! I'm outta here!

Audio Guy: This is NOT in my contract! The union's gonna hear about this!

Intern: Aren't you gonna drink the coffee I brought you!

"I'll take that!"

(Lothos grabs the mug of French Vanilla Java from the Intern as she leaves the control room completely empty...except for an insane sasquatch, that is. Almost completely overwhelmed by what he sees before him, Lothos falls to his knees in homage. As we truck around Lothos until we are in back of him to see what he sees, a large wall covered in monitors, viewscreens, and television sources each with each a different image is revealed.)

Lothos: MASTER! WHAT IS THY BIDDING!!!!!! Oh, what's that you say? (No one is actually speaking)...you want ME to take over the show?! Oh, but I couldn't! I'm no director!... Oh...alright...if you insist!!!! BWAAAhahahaHAHAHAAAA!

(He jumps into the directors chair, cracks his fingers, and studies the various buttons and levers on the video switcher. The button that says "black" is currently lit up.)

------

(The Johnson Home, Irvine, CA. Little Jane runs to her mom pointing at the TV.)

Jane: Mamma! The TV's broken! I wanna see the end of my gameshow, mamma! Fix it, fix it!

Mamma Doe: Now, now, dear! The television can't be broken, we just go it! Let me take a look!

Jane: Hurry, mamma! I wanna see Mr. GAVAL beat up the mean CEO!

Mamma Doe:(Chuckles) My, that is exciting, isn't it! Let's see here....

(Suddenly the screen goes from blackness to a red blur. At first the image is unrecognizeable, then the object in front of the camera moves a little further away to reveal a secretary, clutching at the wound in her stomach as she collapses to the floor. The the picture cuts to another blurry image of something yellow...as the image walks into focus, it appears to be someone's butt.)

Mamma: Oh-my-god.....

------

(Control Room)

Lothos: HAHAHAHAAAAA! This is GREAT! DC's gonna be so PISSED!

(As he manipulates the camera controls towards the Protoss' butt, Dark Chrono can be seen seemingly battling a pair of 2 flensers at once, his ass constantly in the camera's field of view.)

------

(In the Studio)


GAVAL: Get OUT of my WAY! (He pulls at the whip and a secretary falls to the floor, her spike heels giving way from the loss of balance she is experiencing.) NOW, CEO! Come here and FIGHT like a real CEO!

(CEO looks worried for only an instant...then as he ducks under a laser blast coming from someone else on the battle-field/studio, he begins to smirk once again.)

LAVAG: Not so fast, slayer!

GAVAL: (Kicks a Flenser out of the way and turns around to see who spoke to him) Who the frag are you?!

LAVAG: I...am your perfect foil, good sir. I...(dodges a stray sword that flies by)...am that which you dispise. I am wickedness, I am devious defined...and today, I'm your worst nightmare come true. Think of me as your personal Grim Reaper, come to put you out of your misery! Bwaaaahahahahaaaaa!!!!!

(The CEO scoots away unnoticed.)

GAVAL: You want a piece of me?! HUH!? (Wields a sharp stake and gavel) I've taken out a lot of evil today, stranger....I see no reason to stop now! Let's dance!

LAVAG: With pleasure, slayer! (Wields a pair of shiny crooked daggers.)

(We pan around to see the nearby struggles going on around the ill-fated twin brothers.)

(Senf is tossing watermellon jello bombs at a pair of secretaries from behind the cover of a camera. They, ducking behind Bob's podium, return fire with pair after pair of high heels. Senf takes a heel to the shoulder and goes down screaming in agony and humiliation...perhaps the most deadly of the secretaries' arsenal)

------

(Lothos from the control room pushes the button marked "camera 3" as he stares up at the wall of monitors. A focuses in on one of the secretaries' chests. A rather abundant chest, I might add.)

Lothos: oooooooh, yeah. Come to papa, sweetie...."Hey, baby!" Huh...huhuhuhuh.....

------

(Purple Monkey Dishwasher is grappeling with a flenser when Aura kicks the robot off of PMD and vaporizes it, her eyes glowing an evil looking crimson hue)

PMD: Thanks....

Aura: Don't mention it...but I get your first cup of coffee when we get back!

(Gluegun is helping Lunatic back up, his arms recently being severed from flenser attack, as a group of secretaries led by Shlongar charge towards them in an almost organized attack.)

Gluegun: Dammit! I'm out of glue! Luny, do something!

Lunatic: What do you want me to do?! Nibble them to death?! I got no arms, you dope!

(A shield of mystical energy appears very suddenly in front of the group of attackers as Manaknight and DarkLight jump down from the lighting grid.)

DarkLight: Now...who had diet, and who had regular? (He holds out a cardboard tray of softdrinks recently purchased from the concession stand.)

Lunatic: Got a straw?

Manaknight: Right here.....

(A few yards away, Maelstrom spins furiously, trying to shake a couple of rabid flensers off of him. A recently deceased and ghostly appirition of Sofielisk stands behind hi, pawing at the flensers with her ectoplasmic claws, having absolutely zero effect.)

Sofielisk: I say....when we get back to HQ with the Brood War CD, what race will you play first on the network?

Maelstrom: After all the caffeine Io's gonna give us, I'll probably be able to play all three at once!

------

(Backstage)

"Get OFF of my TAIL!!!!"

(Flames shoot out of Dragoneyes jowls as PatN recoils in fear)

PatN: (ragaining his senses)This ought to cool you down, Red!

(PatN grabs a CO2 fire extinguisher off of the wall and fires it Dragoneye's way.)

(Gunslinger and Glitterspike fall to the floor as LabCoatGuy hits them with an EMP shockwave, essentially frying all of their CovertOps equipment.)

War2Guy: (Grappeling with ScottM) Why are we getting our asses handed to us?!

Shriek:(dodging a second EMP emitter projectile) Must be the coffee we aren't getting!

Jolt: Shriek's right...it's caffeing deprivation! (He takes a punch from HP)

HP: Why must you fools insist on having conversations when you enter combat! Just die and be done with it!

Jolt:AAACK! Medic!

(Mu enters from behind a curtain and backhands the HP off of Jolt's throat, saving him from strangulation.)

Mu: You beckoned?

Jolt: Fanks...I fink I loft a toof.......

Mu: (to HP) Far be it for me, sir, of all beings, to resort to petty theft of anyone's significant personal items, but I am of the opinion that you are in possession of one particular item that has unjustly been denied public access.(He gestures towards the metal BROOD WAR case)

HP: WE TOLD YOU PEOPLE "BEFORE CHRISTMAS", DAMMIT! THE THING'S GONE GOLD! It'll be out any DAY now! Why can't you leave us alone?! Have some patience, for christs' sake!

Dragoneyes: (slapping PatN to the floor)If you don't hand over that CD, you're the only one who's gonna be a patient!

Shriek: Brood War for ME!

(Shriek jumps after the metal case and pulls it away from the HP, snapping a link of the cuff chain in two.)

ScottM:I knew we shoudn't have used plastic cuffs!

HP: Never tell your boss, "I told you so." After that dragon hatchling!

(The entire group of CWALers and Blizzard Employees runs after Shriek towards the stage.)

------

(The main stage)

(Shadow's bio suit is torn from his torso as he howls in pain...the flensers and zerglings of Blizzard overwhelming him as they chew on his armor greedily)

(Talruum and Liz are picking off flensers left and right with hot lead and glauve worms until a stiletto heel hits Talruum's jar and coffee begins leaking out.)

Talruum: Oh, dear god NO!

Liz: COFFEE!

(Kazz comes running with Fluffy close on his heals)

Kazz: YESSS!!!!

Talruum: Stop it! STOOPP! AARRGHHH! My Hypothalamus is drying up!

(Kazz laps at the trickle of life-juice...the delicate blend of java and cerebral fliud dripping throught the cracks in Talruum's jar. Tybalt throws down his rapier and runs for Talruum's jar as well. MorpherX2 and Grorxc follow suit, their newbie will weakened from lack of sweet java.)

Dark Chrono: (To Iolaus)We're falling to pieces here! They just don't fight well without their morning coffee!

Iolaus: Dammit! Everything was going so perfectly! I had it all planned so well!

Dark Chrono: What's the status of the Brood War CD?

(Shriek runs by with the metal case labeled " UNTAMPERED Brood War CD ROMS" with a half dozen CWALers, and a bunch of Blizzard employees and zerglings hot on his tail.)

Iolaus: Oh, I'd say it's pretty much doomed.

*BOOOOMMMM*

(Following a huge explosion in the floor, flames leap up from the studio tile...then rising as if he were a fallen angel returning from hell, ascends the wicked Sephroth from his fiery would-be grave. The demon cackles gleefully as his own prowess in averting death once again.)

Dark Chrono:(Stabbing a zergling in the spine) We need to fall back and reorganize!

Io: No...what we need...is a miracle...

(As suddenly as Sephroth appeared, the doors to the studio stands slam open and through it fly gigantic blasts of energy. The source, Maggot's gun, comes through about 5 full seconds before it's wielder appears, grinning inanely. Then in pours the rest of Team Beta, each of them covered in blood. Mr. Phule wields his mighty silver megaphone and unleashes a paradox, to confuse the CWAL challengers. )

Mr. Phule: "WHY IS THE MAN WHO INVESTS ALL YOUR MONEY CALLED A "BROKER?""

(All suddenly gets quiet as the zerglings, secretaries, flensers, and even the CEO pause to ponder the harsh question.)

Random Secretary #34: Hey...I never noticed that before!

Phule once more through his megaphone: "WHY IS A PERSON WHO PLAYS THE PIANO CALLED A PIANIST, BUT A PERSON WHO DRIVES A RAVE CAR NOT CALLED A RACIST?"

(The Blizzard employees begins to twitch and shudder as they've been given too much to think about.)

Iolaus: NOW! TAKE THEM OUT!

Sephroth: NOOO! Don't listen to him! Kill! Smash! Do evil things!

CEO: Yeah, but he does race the car, doesn't he?

------

(In a corner of the studio....)

*ShhhhPING!*

(A hand holding a sharp runed silver stake hits an iron girder on the side wall of the building)

GAVAL: Hol' still, you freak! Take your staking like a nice evil person wit' bad hair!

LAVAG: Have you ever felt cold steel between your ribs, Gaval? It's quite an odd experience...
(He tosses a crooked dagger towards Gaval. The Slayer Cajun instinctively dodges the blade, but Lavag anticipated his move and throws a second dagger right where Gaval jumps. The dagger pierces Gaval's leather jacket and he falls to the floor, his cool fedora hat sliding out towards a roll of camera cable.)

GAVAL: EVAAAAHHHHLLLL!!!!! Ow......

LAVAG: Mother never tell you that carrying garlic around makes you smell funny? You are completely rank!


GAVAL:(slowly rising to his feet) Ah'd think twice about mentioning my mother's name, "Trenchcoat"...yer aimin' for makin' this personal...

LAVAG: Oh, your naivety is absolutely delicious! You have no idea what your talking about!

GAVAL: Ah got yer idea RIGHT here!

(Gaval tosses a large vial of Holy Water straight up into the air. As Lavag looks up to study it's trajectory, Gaval unleashes his Bullwhip and catches his evil twin's legs, wrapping them up in rawhide and bringing him to his knees.)

LAVAG: We cajuns are clever, aren't we? (Chuckling to himself, Lavag cuts through the strap with a razor sharp dagger and rises to face his brother once again.)

GAVAL: What is it with dis WE crap? Ah'm not gonna tell you again. Stop talkin' personal or Ah'm gonna have to stake you through the Gall Bladder! (He winces at the pain from his wound).

LAVAG: Oh, it's already more personal than you'll ever know!

(LAVAG jabs at GAVAL a couple of times with his dagger, the Slayer Cajun backing up to avoid further injury. Right when he has Gaval where he wants him, Lavag flings a dagger upwards into the lighting grid, cutting straight through a rope and releasing a sandbag.)

GAVAL: EVAA----*THWOMP* d'oh....just like in "back to the fu–"

LAVAG: HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! I'm going to enjoy cutting your internal organs out, slayer.

(He reaches for Gaval's hair, pulling his head back and bringing his dagger to Gaval's throat)

LAVAG: But first there's something I think you should know...you see...as much as you hate me, we are forever joined through destiny...for I am your br----

"WHY ISN'T 11 PRONOUNCED ONETY-ONE?"

(The voice echo's from the studio)

LAVAG: What the? Hey...why isn't it pronounced Onety---?

(Gaval smiles, dispite the dagger at his throat as he whispers, "Phule...")

"DO ROMAN PARAMEDICS REFER TO IV's AS "4's"?"

(The paradox comes just in time for Gaval to seize the moment of hesitation as he slams a vial of Holy Water into LAVAG's forehead...the glass shattering, leaving sharp shards and blood all over LAVAG's face. As he howls in pain, the evil twin of Gaval runs out of the emergency fire exit of the studio howling in agony.)

GAVAL: Geez...who de hell WAS dat?

------

(Shriek stumbled to the tile as a rabid secretary tackles him and pins him in attempts to regain the case. As the metal case hits the ground, it breaks open, a crimson jewel case flying out of it and skidding across the floor to stop at the hooved feet of a certain disgruntled game show host.)

Bob: Well, then. What ‘ave we ‘ere, eh? .... Brood War....must be some damn national geographic multimedia crap...

(As the group of CWALers and Blizzard Lieutenants come running around the corner, they stop and gaze up and the 10 foot tall Llama who drools unforgivingly onto his blue cordigan and stares at the CD ROM in his hand.)

Dragoneyes: Hey there, uh, Bob! Heh....I'm a, uh...big fan of your show!

Glitterspike: Yes! We CWALers all are!

Gunslinger: And we were wondering if you could autograph our little CD there! Heh...

"IF YOU TAKE AN ORIANTAL PERSON AND SPIN HIM AROUND SEVERAL TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED? "(The voice of Phule's megaphone still echo's through the studio as the CWALers begin to take the battle to victory.)

HP: Don't be ridiculous! That is property of Blizzard Entertainment, Inc. and I demand it be returned.

Bob: Well, now..."Finders-Keepers," eh? But oy tell ya what. Whoever can answer one of my gameshow questions royt gets the CD...deal?(drip)

War2Guy: Aw, crap! I hate these things...why don't they ever ask questions about aircraft specifications?!

PatN: That's not fair, it's our CD!

Bob: Well, this is MY studio, isn't it! And you people ruined MY GAMESHOW, ROYT?! SO MAYBE OY HAVE A FREAKIN' ROYT TO DO WHATEVER THE HELL I DAMN WELL WANT WITH THIS STUPID CD, ROYT??!?!?!

(PatN's head explodes as the studio shakes in ungodly Llama power: unleashed.)

All is quiet except for the voice of Mr. Phule citing another paradox on the Blizzard CEO's minions, "DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?"

ScottM to HP: Sir, I...think we'd better do what the llama says.

HP: Oh, all right! Ask your stupid question...Lab Coat Guy, be prepared to answer him.

LCG: Always me?! Does wearing a pocket protector make me Mr. Trivia!?

Bob: OH, Joy! You'll play! AHEM! Very well, then! Here's the question....

Shriek: This'll be fun!

Dragoneyes: Listen carefully guys, Brood War, and our getting coffee depend on this...

Bob: ...(takes a deep breath) "Why?"

Blizzard Lieutenants: ...

CWALers: ...

Shlongar: That's it?

Bob: It is improper for you to answer a question with a question....your answer...NOW! (He shouts so loudly a 1000 watt light fixture falls to the floor.)

HP: Well, go on, answer him! What do I pay you for!?

LCG: Um...well..."Because that's the way it is?"

Bob: Judges?! *BUUUZZZ* I'm sorry that's not the right answer! But here's your consolation prize, GUARDS!!!!

Oh..well...it seems all of my guards have been killed by that Kahn fellow...so I'll have to give you consolation myself...(he soundly stomps each of the Blizzard Employees into the ground where satanic flames leap from the floor and burn them scorchingly.)

Gunslinger: Well, then...I think it's safe to say we're doomed and stuff.

Bob: And now, CWALers, ...."WHY?"

(The CWALers freeze in fear not knowing what to answer in response to such a vague question.)

"WHY DO WOMEN WEAR EVENING GOWNS TO NIGHTCLUBS? SHOULDN'T THEY BE WEARING NIGHT GOWNS?!"(Phule once again from the main studio floor)

(All is silent once again....)

(Quietly, the pads of feet are heard as the dragon hatchling known as Shriek steps forward from the terrified group of decaffeinated CWALers.)

Shriek: Because, Mr. Bob....we love you! That's why! You're the greatest Llama to ever host a gameshow!

(Bob freezes, his lip quivering at first, and then finally a flood of tears flows down his fuzzy llama cheeks.)

Bob: You love me! You REALLY love me! WAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaa!

(Dragoneyes gestures for the small group of CWALers to move forward and embrace the sobbing llama...as they all get inundated with slimy tears and drool, they pat Bob on the back while Jolt slowly takes the Brood War CD from Bob's hoof.)

------

(CWAL HQ,
Irvine, CA)

(Outside of Starbucks, several vans, a winnebego, and a modified airship or two pull up into the CWAL HQ parking lot. Dozens of injured and caffeine starved CWALers pour out and head for the door as Rask opens up the HQ ahead of them...)

Iolaus: Don't look so down! We got Brood War, people! Coffee for everyone! Mz, unlock the caffeine safe! (He tosses the key to the safe at Mz who catches it on a claw)

(As the CWALers limp in, Mu organizing them in a triage for infirmary visits.)

GAVAL:(clutching his ribs) I can't believe we finally got it...Brood War...free for us to distribute to the world at a whim....

Supernook:(with a fresh full cup of coffee) But FIRST, we see what this little add-on is all about!

(As Nook inserts the BROOD WAR CD ROM into his PC on the CWAL Network, the familiar Starcraft Startup Screen appears along with words in a new text, "BROOD WAR, NOW LOADING." Slowly the load up bar moves from left to right...25%....50%...75%...95%.....)

"Lothos."

"Mmmmmmph"

"Lothos!"

"Mmmmmph....hmm?"

GAVAL: LOTHOS, Wake up! We have ta finish painting this damn building or Iolaus will never give us access to the coffee, now get up, man!

Lothos: Huh, wha?!?!

(A half dozen CWALers stand around Lothos' couch laughing at him.)

Lothos: Brood War!?! Did we get it?!

Smoke: Not in the last 2 dozen raids, sorry!

(CWALers laugh some more)

Lothos: But...but...The CD...and there was this game show...and PatN exploded...and Dragoneyes did the pee-pee dance......

Dragoneyes: WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?!?! I'LL SHOW YOU PEE-PEE DAN----

(The camera pans to reveal Hollywood Squares is playing in the television that Lothos was watching....)

(Then the camera slowly rises up and out of the CWAL HQ building as DE tries to strangle Lothos with GAVAL and a few other CWALers holding her back. Outside, it is a beautiful day in Irvine...several dozen CWALers are painting Starbucks, as repairs from the last OEEP attack are nearly complete...and the world goes just one more day without the most highly anticipated add-on in video gaming history..."Brood War".)


The End.


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