What Slayers Do on Halloween

By Gaval

Fade up From Black:

(Take LiveShot)


Nuse: This is Juss D. Nuse reporting live from the streets of New Orleans where the annual Ambiguous Slayers' festivities marking Opening night of the "Open Season on Evil" has just officially begun with a sunset toast and charge down Bourbon Street. On site this evening are the Slayers Cajun, the Slayers Redneck, and all the way from the UK, the Slayers Chimneysweep. Also on the premises are several members of the notorious Rogue Covert Actions Team CWAL.

(Take Soundbite in VTR A:)

Cabbot, Slayer Cajun: Well, we basically run around in large groups and if we see any evil, we stake it through the heart.

Nuse: And that's it?

Cabbot: Oh, yeah...and we get real drunk, too.

(Take Liveshot)

Nuse: Now, the slayers have been camping here in Jackson Square for the last couple of days, arriving by the thousands by Concorde, Pirogue, and even by Tractor to perform their yearly ritual of "cleansing" on these city streets.

(Take Soundbite in VTR B:)

Jo Bob, Slayer Redneck: Well, we sorta compete to see who can slay the most evil. Since so much damn evil comes out on this here night particularly, we can all rack up a pretty good slay count. On one han' we see who can kill the most evil. But on the other han' we try to beat out the number of killin' that evil does on children aroun' the area.

Oddly, the numbers of child deaths are always aroun' the same as our slay total for the night...but we keep tryin!

Nuse: Don't you think it's a little coincidental that those numbers are always so close?

Jo Bob: Aw, it jus' means we're not doin' our job good enough! We just need to kill more of those evil bastards, is all! Why any kid would want to come out on a night like this, I couldn't guess anyway! Why, just 5 minutes ago I had ta stake a 3 foot Yoda!

(Take Liveshot)

Nuse: So there you have it, America. Slayers in New Orleans are gathering once again to rid the world of all the evil they say that runs amok each year on this night. Just moments ago, the slayers toasted the sunset's arrival and charged out into the streets shouting various damning battle cries.....

(Take Video in VTR C)

(A group of slayers running down the streets)

Slayer Chimneysweep #35: EVAAAHHHLLL!!!!

Slayer Redneck #184: GOOO GOOD! DIEDIEDIE!!!


(Take Liveshot)

Nuse: Now, early reports have the slayers successfully overwhelming the population of the alleged evil with Slayer Cajun GAVAL in the lead. Gaval had this to say earlier...

(Take Soundbite in VTR D)

GAVAL: Well, so far I've taken out 4 short little Vampires, a pair of skeletons, satan, and Darth Vader himself. I was pretty pround of that last couple because I thought for sure I had killed satan last year...oh well..."wacky evil!" HAHAHAHAAA!!!

Slayers crouded around Gaval: AhahahahAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

(Take LiveShot)

Nuse: Unfortunatelly, the NOPD has bad news. More reports of child slayings by the hundreds are flooding into the precincts by the minute. This reporter can only hope that these Ambiguous Slayers know exactly what they're doing. We'll have more to report as the evening progresses....for ABZ news,I'm Juss. D. Nuse.

(End Transmission)

"We now return you to your regularly schedualed broadcast of the network premiere: Scream 3: Overkill"


We interrupt this regularly scheduled program to bring you the following

(Take Show Open)

Announcer: This.............
(How's that for a dramatic pause?)

.....is an ABZ news update...Reporting from New Orleans is Juss Nuse.

Nuse: This is Juss D. Nuse with another update on the Ambiguous Slayers Opening night for their annual "Open Season on Evil." Slaying this year has reached an apparant all time high as slayers from around the globe are chopping down any and all things in the area that appear even remotely evil.

(Take Video of mindless evil slaying in VTR A)

(Various video of Rednecks with stakes and Cajuns with swords slicing down what look roughly like vampires, ghosts, zombies, aliens, and witches carrying sacks and orange plastic containers shaped like pumpkins. As the video plays, Nuse narrates)

With so much rampant slaying going on, one can't help but wonder if it's even slightly possible that one of these slayers might make a mistake.

Joining me now is the current leader in the race for top slayer of 1998's opening night, Gatral Van Helsing. Mr. Van Helsing, how HAS the night gone for you and your compatriots this evening?

Gatral: Well, it's been a tough fight. It seemed like no matter how much evil we vanquish, kids still are getting slaughtered innocently by rampaging unknown sources...undoubtedly evil ones. Odd thing is, we can never catch the evil actually in the act of taking out these "kids." All we see is a lot of monstors, aliens, and undead freaks running around with stolen candy, so we just slay em first and ask questions later.

Nuse: Thanks, Mr. Van Helsing. Moving right along, we have a few parents reactions too-

(Suddenly a group of short screaming skeletons, Power Rangers, and sheets run by screaming at the top of their lungs. Behind them in hot pursuit are Gaval and 3 or 4 other slayers as well as Kaboom, Kazz, Fjorxce, and Sophielisk. All shouting curses and damnations towards their 4 foot prey as they run by and knock over the camera. All goes to static)


Sophielisk: Don't you ever get tired of saying that?

Gaval: Why? Do I say it a lot?

Kazz, Fjorxce, Kaboom: YES!

Gaval: Okay, fine, dammit .WIIIIIKKKEEEEDDDDD!!!!!!

(Gaval catches one of the Power Rangers by the leg with his bullwhip and brings him down roughly)

Gaval: DIE!!!!

(Brings a sharpened and bloody stake down into the Power Rangers back.)

Fjorxce: I thought Power Rangers were good guys, Gav?

Gaval: Don't let them fool you, my maniacal friend. This is evil cleverly disguised as a Power Ranger.

(Kaboom walks over to the corpse and examines his bag. He proceeds to eat candy corn from the treat bag)

Gaval: STOP!!!! That candy is stolen contraband. Don't you know that the evil that lurks around this town on nights like this steals candy from innocent households?

Kaboom: No. I just wanted candy. Screw innocent households.(goes on eating)

(A few feet away Kazz is beating on a sheet with legs and eye holes with the blunt end of a stake.)


(The sheet screams muffled screams wildly)

Kazz: Man, none of this evil fights back!

Fjorxce: Yeah, Gav. I've havn't seen such wussy evil since Blizzard sent those squirrels after us last year.

Gaval: Hey, Hey! Not all evil can be world dominating, power hungry, diabolical wickedness! What's important is to remember that evil totally sucks ass and that you're not supposed to beat the evil with a stake, KAZZ. You're supposed to stab them throught the heart with it, then cut off their heads!

(The sheet passes out from the severe beating Kazz gave to it.)

Kazz: Well, all things considered, I'd rather just cut them in half with a chainsaw. This sucks.

Kaboom: Mmmmmm....tootsie rolls.

Gaval: Quit eating the contraband! MAN, you guys are totally not into this!

Slayer Redneck # 23,463: Eh, Come on, ya'll. I think That group of wicked, vile, putrid, um......bad evil went into that graveyard!

Kaboom: Got a way with words, these slayers...

(Fjorxce nods)

Gaval: Comeon! Their probably trying to return to their graves or something....

(The group of slayers and CWALers run into the graveyard. Typical of South Louisiana Graveyards, all of the tombs are above ground in shimmering marble monuments.)

Kazz: I thought you guys get, like, super powerful or something when you fight undead.

Gaval: Well, like you said...these evil are really wussy evil, I guess. Comeon, I think they went this way.

(As the group rounds a large mausoleum, a skeleton(kid in skeleton costume) flies through the air and slams into Slayer Cajun # 543, essentially crushing him into a Live Oak Tree. There, sitting on top of a medium sized tomb, is a large, light blue drooling beast of about 30 ft. in height, resembling a llama, chewing on the body of a red Power Ranger, and stomping on one of the sheets with it's taloned foot.)

Slayer Cajun # 26: Mon dieu! Il morte' les Kennie! Tu et une bastard!

Kazz: NOW you're talking!(Revs up fluffy)

Kaboom: Damn, that's the best costume we've seen all night!


(As Gaval and the other slayers all run up to the beast trying to stab it with stakes, it starts swiping them with it's limbs and munching on the ones it can fit into it's greedy mouth.)

Fjorxce: Damn! They're getting their asses kicked! (Take a couple of shots with his sidearm) This thing is pissed!

Kazz: So am I! Kennie owed me a beer! (Kazz swings Fluffy around his head wildly as he charges the monster shouting profanities about the beasts' mother.)

(Gaval and Fjorxce are slammed together by two of the creature's arms repeatedly)

Fjorxce: Well, Gaval? What do you slayers do on opening night when this happens?

Gaval: I DON'T KNOW! It should have died when I staked it in the heart! AAHHH! EVAAAAAAHHHLLL!!!

Fjorxce: DAMN stupid evil! (Throws his flight helmet at the creature and hits him in the forehead.)

(The creature drops the two and backs away from Kazz's chainsaw)

Bob, the Evil Creature:(British accent) OW!!!! That really hurt! Who throws a flight helmet? Really!!!!!!

Fjorxce: Hey! I think I'm onto something here! Quick, everyone, throw your headwear!!!!!

Gaval: EVAAAALLLL!!!!! (Sprinkles Holy Water on his fedora hat and throws it at the Creature)

Bob, the evil Creature: You bloody bastard! That really hurts! You're getting me all wet!

Kaboom: Hey, I'm not wearing any headwear!!!! What do I do?!

Kazz: Eat more candy corn?

(Kazz and Kaboom crouch down indian style around the candy as the bodies of slayers fly over their heads periodically)

Kazz: I'll trade you a box of Red Hots for that Sweet Tart?

Kaboom: Two boxes, and it's a deal.

(Gaval gets slammed against a gravestone.)

Gaval: Fyorce! HELP ME OUT HERE!

(Fjorxce cowers in a fetal position)

Fjorxce: Can't move. Too scared. Have a nice day.

Gaval: WHAT?!?!

Kazz:(sucking on a root beer flavored lollipop) Forks doesn't like blue llamas.

Gaval: AAHHHH!!! EVAAAALLL!!!!(His bloody body is picked up again by the multi armed llama and thrown out of the cemetary)

Bob, the Evil Creature: Take that, you bloody twerp! All I wanted was to visit Auntie Thelma, and look at what you had to do! You've gone and torn my favorite cardigan!

(The giant blue drooling llama tears off his argyle cardigan and storms off shouting mean things about the groups manners)

Kaboom: I'm tired of slaying evil. Let's go back to Irvine.

(Gaval gets up, bloody and bruised)

Fjorxce: what do we do with this cardigan? It won't fit anyone at CWAL.

Gaval: Leave it. It's an evil cardigan and is of no use to us.

(As the group leaves the graveyard strewn with corpses of trick or treaters and slayers while arguing about what to do with the candy, the cardigan rests on a graved marked "RIP Boudreaux." On the cardigan tag is the writing, "If found , please return to Blizzard Experimental Llama Farm of Evil, Irvine, CA.")

The End and Happy Halloween


"Evil totally sucks ass."

Best of CWAL