Saving Private Fearless, Part 2 by Fearless
(3 Minutes later, somewhere over the North Atlantic, Fearless is laying on the missiles reading a book)
Fearless: What? Did you expect me to be thrashing around violently combating the G-forces? I guess I'd better disarm the missile.
(Fearless opens a hatch on the missile, reaches in and starts looking for the control panel)
Fearless: I… can't….. reach….. the missile controls. Something's…….. blocking….. my way. It feels like a magazine.
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(Back in Paris)
Hitler: has anyone seen my issue of "Playnazi"?
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(Back on the missile)
Fearless: I can't disarm it, I'll have to try to redirect it, here goes nothing.
(Fearless starts liberally pulling out wires attached to the guidance console)
Fearless: That may have been a mistake. I think I'm in for a bumpy ride.
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(Disneyland)
Grounds Keeper #1: We're done, Disneyland is up and running with 35 brand new rides.
Grounds Keeper #2: Hey is that Mickey Mouse riding a nuclear missile?
*KA-BOOM*
(Disneyland is turned to ashes by a giant mushroom cloud)
Grounds Keeper #1: Damn, Goofy is gonna be pissed.
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(10 Minutes later, a small radar weather station near the North Pole)
Radar Operator #1: Hey look in the sky, is that Santa Claus?
Radar Operator #2: He sure is going fast, if that is Santa his reindeer must be on steroids.
Fearless: Ohhhhhhhh Shhhhhiiiiiiittttttttt!
Radar Operator #1: Jeez, Santa sure has a potty mouth.
Radar Operator #2: Doesn't surprise me. When I was a kid I saw Santa stumble in drunk at 7:00 am and then beat up my mother. Then my Father knocked him out. I wonder if he still has the bruises?
Radar Operator #1: You might get the chance to check, look he's going to crash!
(The nuclear fitted V-2 rocket with Fearless attached crashes through the ice. The radar operators rush over)
Radar Operator #1: Oh, it's not Santa. It's just a genetically engineered superhuman American secret agent, riding a futuristic doomsday weapon of mass destruction.
Radar Operator #2: I'd wish they'd warn us, that's the third one this week.
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(55 Years later)
Radar Operator #1: Don't you think it's odd that we haven't been promoted or transferred in 55 years?
Radar Operator #2: -
Radar Operator #1: That's your answer to everything, ever since that influenza outbreak of '73. You look pale, are you sure you're feeling ok?
Radar Operator #2: -
Radar Operator #1: Fine, you don't want to talk about it I understand.
(Fearless climbs out of a hole in the ice)
Fearless: Ice cream headache! Ice cream headache! Ow, I must have blacked out there, can you tell me how long I've been held in suspended animation under that ice for?
Radar Operator #1: How the hell should I know? All my concentration has to go to keeping my genitals from getting frostbite.
Fearless: Fair enough, can you watch that nuclear missile for me? If I'm late for my meeting with President Truman he'll kill me. And take your friend's pulse, he looks a little pale.
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(Back in the present, the underground Ottawa bunker)
Dr. MGS: And that's the story of "Project Fearless". Two days later, he found me here in Canada with Revanant's Y-Bots invading. After a short re-adjustment period, and his initiation into CSIS, we gave him the latest weapons, latest operational knowledge, and latest version of Netscape and sent him to find and assist CWAL in London. Hey, Wake up!
Fron: Huh? Mom, is it time for school already?
(Fron, Supernook and Fjorxc wake up)
Supernook: We must have dozed off, that'll teach you to tell boring stories. There are a few things I'm not clear on though, like why did the US not take Fearless back?
Dr. MGS: They didn't need him, the Cold War is over. On the other hand, here in Canada the government need all the tricks they can muster to fight the separatists. So they US government let him stay.
Supernook: But why did you engineer him to be 17?
Dr. MGS: What are you an idiot? Have you seen the outrageous prices they charge an adult to take a boat to France? But because of his ordeal in the arctic I doubt he'll ever age at all, and if he does it will be very slowly.
Fjorxc: What about his vision and his memory?
Dr. MGS: We anticipated something like this might happen. With time his vision will come back but never again will he be able to look at sunlight. To go outside he'll have to wear sunglasses or a blindfold.
Fron: If he wears a blindfold what's the point of him seeing at all?
Dr. MGS: He can still see in artificial light, just not sunlight something got to do with the radiation. If his eyes do become exposed to sunlight he may become blind permanently. Here take these, (hands Fron a pair of sunglasses), Michael Jackson gave them to me for
genetically engineering his son.
Fron: What about his memory?
Dr. MGS: hand me that sledgehammer over there.
(Fjorxc hands him the sledgehammer)
*Whack*
(Dr. Madgeneticscientist whacks Fearless in the head with the sledgehammer)
Dr. MGS: His memory is back, all you have to do is stop the bleeding.
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(A few hours later, the CWALers return to CWAL HQ)
Paranoid CWALer: Welcome back guys. Anyone want to see the awesome new War2 map I made? You only start off with 6, 100,000 gold mines, and the objective is to destroy the 25 Dark Portals.
Fearless: Back to my old self, I still remember Paranoid CWALer is an idiot.
Sofielisk: Shhhh! You guys, Iolous' address to the nation is coming on TV.
Iolaus on TV: Good evening people of America. Let me begin by saying I did not have sexual relations with that intern, in fact I have never had sexual relations ever.
Fron: For crying out loud turn the channel, he says the same damn thing here at HQ every night.
Legion007: Fearless what's wrong? Your memory's back and your head is healing, why so glum?
Fearless: It's just that there were a few good punch-lines that no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't fit into this story.
Legion007: Well we all got a few minutes, why don't you bring them out now?
Fearless: Ok, Legion do you remember when we raided Nintendo of America's Headquarters in Seattle to steal the prototype for Starfox64's Arwing?
Legion007: How could I forget, I still have nightmares of my head hitting the ground in that bungee accident.
Fearless: Well, we don't need the Arwing anymore and I couldn't come up with a way to get rid of it.
Sofielisk: No problem, just ask War2guy to take it for a spin.
Fjorxc: I'll go out and get the Arwing ready.
(Fjorxc walks out the back door)
Fearless: The hell with it, I'll just use the auto-destruct button.
(Fearless pulls out a remote control and presses the auto-destruct button)
*BOOM*
(The Arwing blows up)
Supernook: Weren't you carrying 1000 metal dinner forks in the cargo hold?
(Fjorxc limps in with dozens of forks sticking out of him)
Fjorxc: For the love of God the pain.
(Fjorxc keels over on the floor, the bloody dinner forks still sticking out of him)
Fron: "He who lives by the Forks, dies by the forks" I suppose.
Fearless: Well that ties up all the loose ends.
Corporate Lawyer: Not quite, "MGM" and "United Artists". We are suing you for the rights to this story based on the fact that you used an excerpt from "Goldeneye" without prior authorization.
Fearless: Why are you after me? Legion is the one with "007" after his name.
Corporate Lawyer: Don't worry about Legion, we own his house, his car and his soul.
Fearless: I don't have any money, I've been trapped in an ice-cube for fifty years. But I can offer you something better, my only brother to toil in your child labor camps until the day he dies. Go with the man Jolt.
Jolt: But I'm not your broth…..
Fearless: Relax, with those working conditions you'll be dead in two weeks, tops.
Corporate Lawyer: We accept your offer, but we won't send him to a child labor camp. Another more important position has recently become available.
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(The small weather station by the North Pole)
Radar Operator #1: Good news! We're getting a new recruit!
Villert: Great, maybe he knows a quicker way home. This route is taking forever.