Succession Wars: Ravil's Retaliation by Ravil

(Scene: Castle Cattle Prod, the primary headquarters of ASUKA. The rigors of war have begun to take their toll upon the human population, which has gone several days now with no sleep. In the ASUKA command center now, there is only a single figure still awake, illuminated only by the light from various flickering console displays.)

Ravil: (Fiddling with some string between his claws) Damn Cat's Cradle ... never could figure this out...

(Suddenly, there is a clammering in the nearby hallway, and another Zerg stumbles out.)

Ravil: Ah! Cydric! What news?

Cydric: Well, My Lord, an informed source has told me that Barbara Streisand has given birth to twin goblins.

Ravil: No, no, no! What news of the war?

Cydric: Oh, that's still going on, sire. Our side has been taking heavy casualties around the Toronto and Missisauga area, and our attempted bombing of their former headquarters in Irvine was a failure. However, one of our Canuckalisks stepped on an ant hill, crushing resistance and mashing their population.

Ravil: (Claps his claws together in triumph) Then the day has not been a total loss! Cydric, I believe that it may be time to put our ... master plan into action.

Cydric: (Gasps) Not THE master plan, sir?

Ravil: (Diabolical laughter) Yes, Cydric! Get me General Turtle on the line!

(Cydric slithers over and delivers a mighty wack to Ravil's High-Tech Communications Thingy©, which was conveniently been brought in from the Underground Lair. Seconds later, Turtle's face appears on the screen. A plastic general's helmet with three stars encrested upon it sits upon his head, and he wears a pair of shades. A cigar is sticking out of his mouth.)

Ravil: Turtle! Report!

Turtle: (Puffing on his cigar) Sir, we're transmitting from the 'Zerg Canadian Super-Secret Backup Reserve Emergency Fortress for Use Only in Wartime Conditions or When Hiding from Disgruntled Postal Employees'. I've got Aura and Palin here with me, and half the Canuckalisk army.

Ravil: Good. Then the Underground Lair has been ... prepared for our guests?

Turtle: Yes sir, it has.

Ravil: Excellent! Stay there in the ... uh, that other place until I give you new orders.

Turtle: Yes sir. Turtle out.

(The viewscreen flickers off.)

Ravil: Excellent. Cydric, go rouse Fron and inform him that the first phase of our counterstrike is about to commence.

Cydric: (Bows, as best a Defiler can) At once, sire!

(As his Chancellor scurries off, Ravil chuckles to himself sadistically, and then opens a drawer and removes it's sole content: an enveloped letter. Then, he promptly deposits it within one of the letterboxes in the command center clearly labelled 'To Be Intercepted By The Enemy', and sits back as fate begins to work it's course.)

**********

(Scene: The REBELS headquarters in downtown Montreal. Having been instructed by his own minions to stay here "Where he couldn't do any more damage", he has been sitting around, watching as Franklin constructs BattleMechs for his army. However, patience is not one of the Tactical Genious' virtues.)

Hydralisk: Okay, I'm sick of just waiting around here for everyone to get back. I want to KILL something!

Franklin: (Helpfully) I've got a cup of coffee you can spill on the floor if you want.

Hydralisk: No you fool! I want to cause mayhem and destruction!

Franklin: Oh. (Waits a moment) I've got a cup of coffee you can spill on the...

Hydralisk: Why do I even bother?

(Suddenly, JoystickJ unburrows into the room.)

JoystickJ: Sir! We've intercepted a message from enemy headquarters!

Hydralisk: (Excited) Gives me that! (Snatches the envelope away and opens it) Hey! This is an invitation to Ravil's birthday party, sent out to Fron! "Come to the Underground Lair at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning. Bring the entire ASUKA command staff. Presents, balloons, and games of Pin the Tail on the Defiler."

Franklin: Sir, may I point out that Ravil's birthday is in August...

Hydralisk: Silence! I've had enough of your yattering! I'm going to go DESTROY something tomorrow morning! Summon the Tiamat Brood, and have them meet me in the Canuckalisk Tunnels outside of the Underground Lair at 10 o'clock tomorrow! We'll get a chance to wipe out ASUKA once and for all! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Franklin: Sir, may I point out that Ravil's birthday is...

Hydralisk: Shut up, Franklin! I've got to get to our Nydus Canal at once!

(Batman music starts playing as Hydralisk rushes off to join his Brood.)

**********

(Scene: Ten o'clock the next morning, just outside the entrance to the Zerg Canadian Underground Lair, located beneath the Albertan praires. A huge swarm of varied Zerg is residing in the tunnel, awaiting Hydralisk's orders to charge. The zerglings are cackling amongst themselves and drinking a few beers (see RTOC). The hydralisks are shooting Craps. The ultralisks are looking quite annoyed at the defilers, who are attempting to gnaw on their ankles. Their commander-in-chief, Tactical Genious Hydralisk, stands before them, staring at his watch intently.)

Hydralisk: Three...two...one...OKAY BOYS, LET'S MUTILATE SOME CANADIANS!

(There is a huge roar as the Tiamat Brood surges forth, catching Hydralisk beneath them in their mad rush to kill something, and stomping all over him. In blind anticipation, they rush towards the underground south entrance to the Lair, easily overwhelming the guards and tearing them to shreds.)

(However, the Zerg of the Tiamat Brood were not renowned for their intelligence during the heat of battle, and thus failed to notice that the Canuckalisk guards that they were destroying were in fact card-board cutouts.)

Hydralisk: (Quite badly wounded after having been run over by his own Zerg) Yakh, er...yahjerfibble...

(The Zerg go about smashing and destroying everything in sight, failing to notice the entire time that the base's defenders are composed entirely of not-so-convincing paper mache models. Finally, though, one of the ultralisks wanders into Ravil's Throneroom. Planted on the King's throne is a large metallic device, along with a TV monitor. As the ultralisk comes in, the tape begins to play, and Ravil's face appears on the screen.)

Recording of Ravil: ...thing to work? Oh. Hello there Hydralisk. If you're listening to this, it means that you have attempted to ravage my Lair and kill me. Just in case you haven't noticed yet, I'll point out to you the fact that THERE IS NOBODY HOME! MUAHAHAHAHA!

(The ultralisk looks around in confusion.)

Recording of Ravil: Oooo-boy, I kill myself sometimes ... anyway, there's nobody here. And guess what, Hydralisk? You're about to DIE! Can you spell that? The device in front of you is a nuclear warhead that Fron so conveniently lent out to me. It will be going off in precisley ... oh, ten seconds. Say hello to that bastard Daggoth for me. 'Tah!

(The screen goes blank, and the ultralisk stares dumbfoundedly at the cannister. Then, a few seconds later, the nuclear bomb goes off. The immediate concussive blast and wave of heat vaporized not only the remnants of the Underground Lair, but also the entire Tiamat Brood as well, in less than a second. Having all of it's supports blown out from under it, the top layer of dirt above the Lair collapsed, bringing down topsoil, rocks, and a number of Alberta rednecks.)

(It took a few minutes for the dust to subside. But when it did, an enormous crater reminiscent of another Great War stood out on the Albertan prairies where the Underground Lair used to be. For a while there was no movement at all. But then, a few rocks shifted, and Hydralisk poked his head up out of the debris, gasping for air. He pulls himself up, apparently only slightly hurt and beginning to regenerate, and examines his surroundings. Immediately noting that there is nothing left of his Zerg Brood, only one thing comes to his mind.)

Hydralisk: Aw, shit.

(With that, he turns around and scampers away, hoping to make it back to his own territory in time for lunch.)

**********

(Scene: Later in the day, in ASUKA's command post in Castle Cattle Prod. Fron is currently engaged with somebody over the phone.)

Fron: ...Yes, and I'm TELLING you, Mr. President, Milosivec is no longer restricting hiself to Yugoslavia! He's forcing people out of their homes ALL OVER THE WORLD!

(Muffled sounds from the phone.)

Fron: Yes, it's quite atrocious ... yes, an act of terror against the free world ... yes, keeping you from seeing that lovely new gardener ...

(More muffled sounds.)

Fron: How can we remedy this? Why, Mr. President, I may just have an idea. I heard that Serbian MADMAN has ordered a brigade of his crack SEAGULLS ... yes, SEAGULLS, Mr. President ... into the Montreal area to start removing Ethnic Madagascarians from their homes! Terrible, isn't it? I think that if you were to launch some of those high-explosive, very expensive Cruise Missiles at the coordinates in Montreal which I'll send to you, it may just be enough to deter them!

(More muffled sounds.)

Fron: You're ordering the strikes right now? Mr. President, you are a credit to the free world. Good day.

(Fron hangs up, and sits back in his chair, a wide grin on his face.)

Fron: Is it any wonder we can't stop making fun of them?

**********

(Scene: Later that day, in the REBELS warehouse in downtown Montreal. JoystickJ and Franklin are awaiting the return of their leader so that they too can go out and kill something. Suddenly, the air is filled with a buzzing sound. Frankling remains still, staring at the wall unrelentingly, but JoystickJ perks up.)

JoystickJ: Hey, what's that sound?

(Frankling remains silent, but as it draws nearer, it becomes evident.)

Joystick: Uh-oh. It looks like they're trying to bomb us again! Franklin, build us another force field, QUICK!

(Franklin continues to stare at the wall.)

JoystickJ: Franklin? FRANKLIN?!?

Franklin: *SNORE*

JoystickJ: Aw, crap....

(Suddenly, the warehouse explodes into flames all around them as a half-dozen Tomahawk cruise missiles blast the old building apart. When the dust and debris settles, JoystickJ pokes his head up from the hole that he quickly burrowed himself into.)

JoystickJ: FRANKLIN? ARE YOU OKAY?

Franklin: (Still staring at the place where the wall should be) *SNORE*

JoystickJ: Well, this is just peachy keen.