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The Circle of Life by The V Man
Been working on this one on and off for a while, but you can blame Lothos' recent writorbing for it's completion.[Stories By Author] [Stories By Title] [Search Stories]
The Circle of Life
by The V Man
Klingon: Ka-Pla! *smashes toaster*
Fron: My toaster!
Elton John: o/` The circle of liiiiife! o/`
Lothos: Holy crap, it's renowned singer/songwriter Elton John!
Fron: But...my toaster!
Elton John: You know Fron, old toasters have to die so that new ones can live.
Fron: That doesn't make any sense.
Elton John: Oh but it does. For it is...The Ciiiircle of Liiiiife!
(Elton John Leaves)
(Turning around Fron sees that where there was once one smashed toaster, there are now 3 new
shiny toasters, noticeably smaller that the original.)
Fron: I think I may need stronger pills.
Lothos: Ooo, get the green ones, they make the walls speak!
Fron: I think the only possible response to that is *warble*.
Fron: Stop that.
Fron: I mean it Lo-
Fron: I'm tell-
Fron: I WILL GET THE HOSE.
Lothos: I'll be good!
Arcturus: So what are we going to do about these Klingons?
Pez: I think the answer lies in the food chain. What is a Klingon's natural enemy?
Fron: You're not serious.
Pez: Oh but I am.
Fron: This is retarded, C'mon Lothos time to find food.
Lothos: YAY! Food!
(Several minutes later Fron and Lothos are walking towards a convenience store)
Fron: I've always wondered--
(The convenience store explodes.)
Lothos: I'm going to pretend that was supposed to happen.
(Fron falls to his knees and begins weeping)
Fron: Those bastards...they blew it up!
Elton John: Don't cry Fron. Old Convenience stores need to die so that new ones can live.
Fron: It's nonsensical! It's a STORE. IT IS NOT ALIVE.
Elton John: Isn't it Fron, isn't it?
Fron: No, it--
Elton John: o/` It's the the circle of liiiiife! o/`
[Scene: Space, somewhere not near Earth]
(A large, overly complex and threatening ship floats along under minimal power. Weapons and
lights glow and crackle with energy.)
[Scene: Bridge of the Maggottonian Battle Cruiser 'Rusty Nipple Clamp']
Maggottonian Lieutenant: Sir! We're picking up a detonation on Earth.
Maggott: Earth eh? Bunch of pansies. What KIND of detonation?
ML: It appears to be of the convenient variety.
Maggott: I see. I....I sense a presence...
ML: Here we go again with the 'presence' speech.
Maggott: ...One I've not felt in....
ML: Last time it was a coke machine. Before that it was some kind of moose.
Maggott: BOOT TO THE HEAD!
ML: From across the bridge?
(Maggott's boot flies across the bridge and smacks the ML in the face)
ML: Ow damnit, you threw that pretty hard.
Maggott: (Struggling to get the other boot off) Anyone ELSE got something smart to say?
(The rest of the bridge crew quickly goes back to their stations, all trying to look busy.)
Maggott: I thought so. Set a course for Earth.
(Maggott sits down. Suddenly several klaxons go off and warning lights flash. Though on a
Maggottonian Battle Cruiser they're less serious and more of a 'You may want to look at
this, unless you're doing anything else, like clipping your toenails. Or looking at porn.
Even really bad porn. Because this really isn't that important because nothing poses that
big of a threat to us. We're awesome.' - which is exactly what several signs around the
bridge are flashing.)
Maggott: Now what the hell is that? Can't you see I'm clipping my toenails?
ML: Sorry sir but we're picking up disturbance in the gravitational field of one of the
planets we're passing. It appears to be breaking up!
Maggott: What? What the hell for? I didn't tell it to do that.
ML: No sir, but scanners are picking up large Ego Waves in the area. It appears that your
ego has destroyed a planet. No, wait, two. Three.
Maggott: It's about damn time.
ML: The entire system is collapsing in on itsself. It's...it's gone sir.
Maggott: Weak. Pathetic little planetary system can't handle a little ego. Bah. Continue on
course for Earth.
[Scene: Earth, outside a flaming convenience store]
(Fron is attempting to strangle Elton John and Lothos is restraining him)
Fron: STOP BABBLING NONSENSE!
Lothos: I wouldn't quite call it nonsense Fron.
Elton John: You friend here is right you know Fron, everything moves in a great circle.
Fron: GEOMETRY IS MADNESS!
Lothos: Finally something I agree with.
(Suddenly a large flaming ball of wreckage falls form the sky and smashes into the burning
remains of the convenience store, demolishing the rest of the building. Maggott and Frugle
climb out of the debris.)
Maggott: And that is the LAST time you ever pilot ANYTHING. Especially something that flies.
Frugle: It was an old design and not a good one at that. I mean who really needs maneuvering
thrusters when you've got a warp drive?
Maggott: Old or not it's not possible to set fire and structurally disfigure to the outside
of a Maggottonian ship just by passing through an atmosphere.
Frugle: Earth's atmosphere is a bitch. After skipping off it 14 times I decided to ram into
it repeatedly until it let me in.
Maggott: Hmm. Sounds like your last date.
Frugle: HEY! She was a real lady the likes of which you'll never see!
Maggott: You're right seeing as she put a particle disrupter to her head after 15 minutes
Frugle: Feh. Her mind was a fragile flower, delicate and beautiful.
Maggott: Why Frugle, I almost think you feel some remorse at her death.
Frugle: What? Hell no! The fragile ones are the best! They scream the loudest.
Maggott: Ugh. Right. MOVING ON.
(Maggott and Frugle wander over to Fron, Lothos and Elton John)
Maggott: (pointing at Elton John) YOU.
Elton John: Hello Maggott, it's been a while.
Maggott: Not nearly long enough.
(Maggott pulls out his Cratermaster and aims it at Elton John's head)
Maggott: Any last words?
Elton John: We've been through this before Maggott...
(Maggott fires obliviating Elton John's Head)
Maggott: Yes, but this time I brought a gun. Pansy.
(A loud flush is heard a the charred door to the broken remains of the convenience store
bathroom creaks open. Elton John steps out.)
Elton John: I told you on Klagbrizingi Maggott, you can't kill me. It's the--
Maggott: I KNOW. Circle of life, blah blah blah.
(Maggott and Elton John square off. A battle of the titans ensues replete with gunfire, explosions and garrote wire. Quickly losing interest Lothos, Fron and Frugle wander back to CWAL HQ.)
Fron: That was eventful.
Lothos: You always say that. Even when nothing actually happens. Except that time I set the street on fire with laundry detergent, speaker wire and an old credit card. You said that defied chemical science! (claps happily)
Fron: Yes...that was...unlikely.
(The trio wander back into CWAL HQ's kitchen to find the bodies of 3 Romulans, an Andorian, and 2 Naussicans - somewhat dismembered - along with the Klingons still standing calmly sipping their coffee. Honorably.)
Pez: Ok, so what's stronger than a Naussican, Sneakier than a Romulan, and less paranoid than an Andorian?
Arcturus: GUL DUKAT!
Fron: That's it. I'm going back to Canada.