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CWAL Action News Special Report - Seedless Grapes: Misunderstood fruit, or Man-made Monster? by The V Man

*Static and white noise. Suddenly a clear image appears*

[The V Man sits behind an anchor's desk, wearing a small bowtie and shuffling some papers. Catchy evening news-esque music plays briefly.]

V: Good evening, and welcome to an Action News special report. We're boradcasting live to you tonight from a hole in continuity. Our main story tonight: Grapes. Small. Juicy. Round. These are the food of the gods - Roman and Greek alike. Many a frolicking Alexandrian feasted upon their nutrituous bounty, but now has man gone too far?

[V Man turns to face another camera]

V: Seedless Grapes. A fruit completely without the ability to spread its own species. An abnormality within nature itsself. Procreation, a hollow dream. Is it ethical for humans to continue to torture these grapes? By perpetuating this vined freak, what some would call a half-grape, a castrated shell of it's former glory, is humankind playing god? With me tongiht is Dr.Lothos from the CWALian institute for the Blind.

Lothos: Good evening.

V: Doctor, would you say that seedless grapes are the product of some heartless corporation, more concerned with making a profit than the well being of these defenseless, delicous, fruits?

Lothos: Why yes, yes I would. You see the process of de-seeding a grape is a long and terrible one. TO begin with the fresh grapes are torn from their communal vines and stuffed, uncerimoniously, into small, dirty plastic bags.

V: Horrifying

Lothos: Quite. Following a long and dark journey, they arrive singly in an interrogation room where they are tortured until they agree never to bear the seeds of their kind. This is only the beginning of their nightmare. Many hours of surgury and recovery follow, but none are ever the same.

V: I see. For counter commentary tonight we have the reanimated corpse of Thomas Edison. Thank you for joining us tonight Mr.Edison.

Edison: Uhhhhng. *nods*

V: Mr.Edison, do you believe we can draw a direct line between your invention - the lightbulb - and the oppression of grape-kind?

Edison: Mmmmuuh. Ung eh puhhhh ze brruuuu uhhh.

Lothos: You can't be serious.

Edison: Raaaaaa buh neee.

V: Amazing. So your intent was misinterpreted then?

Edison: Raaaaa kah bee. Faaaah wuh ler.

Lothos: This is outrageous - you expect the viewing public to believe this tripe?

Edison: Grrruuuuu....

Lothos: No, I won't!

Edison: Hraaaa!

(The Reanimated Edison lunges at Lothos and a scuffle ensues. The camera pans back to center on The V Man.)

V: Another fascinating debate. We'll be back with more shortly, but now with the weather, we have Miss Cheetah.

(Camera cuts to a map of the U.S. - breaking glass and funiture sound over the the image as Miss Cheetah's and Patriot's voices are heard.)

MC: I am NOT wearing that!

Patriot: You're the weather girl though! You have to!

MC: I HAVE to put my foot up you--

(The camera cuts back to The V Man)

V: *Ahem* Seems we're having some technical difficulties which we hope to have resolved after a word from our sponsors.

[Commercial]

(Frugle stands in a field wearing overalls and a straw hat. A piece of straw hangs from his mouth and a pitchfork is in one hand. A flaming barn visible in the background)

Frugle: (speaking in a southern drawl) Dang varmints gone an' burned up mah barn agin.

Announcer: Do you have rodent problems?

Frugle: Yup. Bigguns.

Announcer: Flaming barns got you down?

Frugle: Looks like.

Announcer: Problems with the wife? Kids?

Frugle: She left me fer tha milkman and mah kids done runned off.

Announcer: Feeling under the weather? Got the chills? Not as self confident as you'd like? Erectile disfunction?

Frugle: Ye.. Erectile disfun- wait I-

Announcer: Then you need MAGGOTT brand Orbital Pain Relief.

(The scene switches to the interior of a ship in orbit over the Earth, which is visible through a window in the backgorund.)

MAGGOTT: Hail inferior life-forms. Here's your region without MAGGOTT brand Orbital Pain Relief.

(The a small section of the Earth has a stylised unhappy smilie face imposed over it. The camera zooms in to show Frugle arguing with part of the film crew in the field while pointing up repeatedly.)

MAGGOTT: Well, with MAGGOTT brand Orbital Pain Relief you won't have to worry about your paltry, insignificant problems anymore. With my Patented 'DEAR GOD IT BURNS, NO PLEASE NOT THERE'system, all of your problems will simply melt away. Literally. WATCH!

(A green beam of energy streaks down towards the planet, visible through the window.)

(In the field Frugle looks up and sees said beam of death smash into his nearby barn as everything nearby begins to catch fire.)

Frugle: MAGGOTT YOU SON-OF-A--OOOH GOD IT BUUUURNS!

(The camera blanks out and switches back to MAGGOTT in his ship. A small black splotch is visible on the surface the the Earth.)

MAGGOTT: Another satifsied customer. Orders yours today!

[Newsroom]

V: There's been a slight change in line-up tonight, with the weather - Patriot. From inside his own small intestine.

[Map of the US]

(Patriot - seemingly stuffed into his own rectum - one foot sticking out to balance on, stands in front of the map)

Patriot" *muffled* We have light flurries in the Northeast. A system of green death rays is making it's way through the mid-west and Californians can look out for increased PMS from local weather girls.

MC: YOU LITTE BASTARD!

Patriot: *muffled* Eeeeeeeeee!

(MC leaps at Patriot who does his best to hop away)

[Anchor Desk]

V: We return now to our debate.

(The camera pans over showing Lothos and the corpse of Thomas Edison still fighting madly. The camera pans back to The V Man.)

V: Tune in next week for our coverage of the Irvine Mayoral race and a discussion on the politics of Vikings, with Emporer Fron I and Bjorn the Viking form the Fjord. Goodnight.

[The catchy evening news-esque music plays again as the camera slowly pans out]

*The image slips back to static and white noise*

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